But before I begin I wanted to share an experience that just happened. This morning was one of those days that I woke up, and as somebody discriptively once said, "having to acknowledge that I was going through another one of my empty days of nothing to do and no one to see. My depression had already won a battle I didn't have the will to fight." But I got up only because of Cooper's whining, indicating that he had to use the bathroom. Being up I decided to get started with the day instead of dragging my feet. I went through my normal morning tasks of prayer, scripture study, (coming back to my house) and then getting ready for the day, with breakfast falling somewhere in there. My scripture study wasn't as filling as I had hoped, wanted, or prayed for - the reasons for that being my own doing....or I should say not doing what I have been prompted and challenged to do. But that's a whole different story.
After my daily morning tasks I put in some time for work, but was finished with those duties fairly quickly. Despite all of my morning activities I was still feeling down in the dumps. The depression I felt was slowly increasing as the day progressed. By noon I was tired and ready to take a nap and sleep the day away, but I fought against that depression trap. The thought of a bike ride lingered in my mind, but the motivation, or rather the lack of it was holding me back. But wanting to kick these feelings of depression outweighed the lack of motivation I had so I rolled up my right pant leg and hopped on my bike.
This bike ride wasn't any long hard core ride, but just a leisure ride to help myself get in the warm rays of the shining sun and to get out doing something that I enjoyed doing. I casually made my way to the nature park and rode along the different paths several times before starting to make my way home, feeling only somewhat better than before I started. As I was nearing one of the last turns I needed to make before having a straight shot to my housing complex, I heard somebody behind me call out my name. Very perplexed at who in the world it could be I turned to look back over my right shoulder from where the voice came and an old friend from Greenbrier came into view, Chapan. He was on his road bike, saw me cross an intersection, and then came chasing after me. He was decked out in his biking gear on a cruise between his classes.
He checked out my bike and his approval was very pleasing to me - he's hard core into road biking. As we rode side by side he gave a ton of pointers and educated me a lot on road biking. This is a new sport that I am getting into and don't know much about, so his knowledge is greatly beneficial. I found out that he works at Bill's bike shop, which is down the road from Alpine (the bike shop that I usually go to), but interestingly enough both shops are owned by the same guy. Chapan offered a few suggestions for my bike in order to make my ride a bit more comfortable and fitting to my body type. He also told me about rides Bill's bike shop puts on as well as his personal routes - even one to Idaho Falls, which I hope to do.
Him spotting and catching up to me this afternoon as I was out on my leisure ride was a blessing. He helped take my mind off matters for a time that are weighing heavy on my heart and enlightened me a little bit in the mean time. I am still fighting those depressive feelings, but sometimes we just have days like today and you just got to hold on til the end - even though holding on and having the desire to hold on is hard. Extremely hard.
Lessons on Fasting & Praying (click here to read original post)
This is in continuation of my thoughts from my April posting on Fasting and Praying.
I had previously talked about how fasting - going without food - became so much more of a sacrifice to me than it had ever been. I wanted to give up food because the reasons for my fasting meant so much to me, more than food. The meaning of sacrifice increased for me and it become more of a desire than an annoyance. This brought my fasting to a new level for me.
Another thought that came to me was the scripture that is found in the New Testament, Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine & Covenants which says, "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" (Matt 6: 25, 31). As I pondered this scripture in my fast I realized that I was so focused on the meaning of my fast that I didn't take thought of what I should eat or drink after my fast was concluded. Usually I am coming up with all sorts of ideas and things I can make at the end of my fast and have seen the food as a reward of completing the task of fasting.
My focus was all wrong before. First of all, it was actually really nice not to have those thoughts on food. It not only made my stomach happy because I wasn't taunting it, but it allowed my thoughts to be more focused, which added so much more meaning to the fast. Second, food isn't a reward for fasting. That line of thinking is way out of the ball park. I don't like the word reward. In fasting we pray and hope for specific things and when/if those things come to pass we should be humbled in gratitude that the Lord heard and answered our fasting and prayers. I guess you could say that the answered prayers and fasting is a reward, but I like to see it as a tender mercy, a blessing. In this life we don't deserve anything. We can't expect to deserve anything. All that is given to us is in the grace and mercy of our Lord, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Without Them we are nothing and so it is through Them that we receive all things.
These inspiring thoughts have increased my desire to have more sincere and less distracting fasts. It has given me the desire to make each and every fast have a deeper commitment and a more pure sacrifice to the things I am praying and fasting for.
Is This Who I Am? Really?
With thoughts lingering in my head from last week about accepting myself, I came to a point this past week where I asked myself aloud, "Is this who I really am?" My mind began rushing as thoughts and deeper questions flashed in my mind. Memories of my entire life shot through my head of events or things that have happened that have built some of the characteristics, strengths, and weaknesses I possess. Then thoughts of individuals that have influenced and shaped who I am today came flooding in my mind. The decisions I've made that have impacted my life. The experiences that I've had that have changed me for good or for worse. My beliefs that have formed my moral code that I strive to live by. All these and more have made up who I am today.
"Is this who I really am? Is this who I want to be? Am I happy with who I am? There are so many things to change; where do I start? How do I even begin? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What is my divine potential? How can I get there? Is it even possible? When all is said and done, is this who I really am and want to be?"
My first intial thought to these questions was, "Can I run!?! Can a mountain tumble on top of me like it says in the scriptures? I want to run!!" I even came close to following through with this desire. I was ready to run and just fade away. The ironic thing about these feelings is that no matter where I go, I will always be with me. There is no running away from me because I'm always with me. As silly as that sounds, I think we all have times when we just want to run and run and run and never stop running and never look back. But not matter how many steps you take in your running or how far you travel while running, you will always be right where you left off.
In trying to answer some of the above questions, for the most part I wasn't happy with my answers. They were disappointing and depressing because right now in my life I am not who I want to be. Like I said, I wanted to run. And run fast! But the realization came to me in the midst of these sobering thoughts was that even though I am not the person I want to be right now, I still have to accept myself as that person, and then rely wholly on the atonement of Jesus Christ to change me as I work to become the person I want to be; as I strive to fulfill my divine potential as much as possible on this earth.
The hard part of it is accepting myself for who I am right now this very minute. It's hard because I don't want to accept myself this way, but then the question comes to mind "when will you accept yourself? What is "this way" and will you ever find yourself there or will you still be wishing upon some other "this way"?" Without accepting myself for who I am right now and from moment to moment I can't be me. Rather I am me pretending to be somebody or something else. Heavenly Father wants me to be me. He created me. He didn't create me so I could be somebody or something else. He has a divine plan for me - not me being somebody or something else.
So....................................
How does one accept his or herself? How do we come to terms or to grips with who we are? How do we accept all the icky things we don't like about ourselves on the inside and on the outside? How do we accept the yucky things and still focus on or even recognize the good things about ourselves that we like in order to find balance? How do we gain the vision of our potential, coupled with the knowledge that we really can become that person?
As a possible answer to these questions or at least the first step in accepting oneself, somebody recently said, which I thought was profound is, "it is actually turning and confronting [who I am] that the strength I need comes." Imagine that! Doing the exact opposite of the initial desire to run. Well, you might ask, "how does the strength come?" That is where the atonement, I believe, comes in. As you turn to confront who you are and accept every folly, weakness, insecurity, pimple, freckle, bodily disorder, everything, you are in fact turning to the Lord because He is your source of strength. He can give you the strength you need to do everything possible to accept who you are and how you have become that person. This may entail a lot of realization and pain as you step back in your past, and it may involve a lot of forgiveness as well. But as you open your heart and let it all in, the source of all our strength, as we walk the journey of accepting ourselves, will never leave us. He is constant and He is sure.
It's hard work; it's harder than it sounds. But I believe that once we can accept ourself and continue to accept ourself we then are given freedom, confidence, and a greater desire to live the way the Lord sees us - our divine potential.
Now for the hard part...............................
Ripples In The Water
In the church we are taught about agency and consequences. We learn that we are free to choose, but no matter what that choice is there is always a consequcence whether good or bad, and we can never choose the consequence(s) that follow. This principle was even further drilled into me as I worked at Anasazi where I was surrounded by the natural consequences from decisions I made and more especially from the decision the kids going through the program made. I feel like I have had quite the experience and knowledge in choices and consequences for we practically lived and breathed it on the trail as we tried to help the kids understand this law and apply it into their own life on and off the trail.
There were even moments in talking with these kids about this subject when I thought, "Can't you see how your ONE decision has affected sooooo many people? Can't you see that?!" I've been trying to swallow that pill for the last 9 months now. I have realized that MY ONE decision has affected what seems like an almost innumerable amount of people and things. We can't choose our consequences.
Our decisions are like a pebble being dropped in the water and the ripples are the affects of our decisions. They ripple outward until they reach the shoreline where they then fade and disappear. We have no control over how many ripples will come from our decisions and we have no way to stop the ripples. And there is never just one ripple.
As my decisions over the last 9 months or so have hit the water, it has had a shattering effect upon my heart. It has greatly effected my relationships, my friendships, my job, my education, and living situation, my testimony, my future, my core....the list could go on and on. But what is more heart wrenching to me is the effects this decision has had on other people, particulary the one who received the greatest impact of my decision. My heart will forever be sorrowful to this person for my decisions and actions and the consequences that have come because of me.
I have stood and watched in horror, sorrow, and pain with a broken heart and a sea of tears the effects the ripples of my decisions have had on other people. After 9 months I feel like the first, outside ripple is just beginning to come close to the shoreline, yet there are many ripples behind the first that still are having an effect on others, which I must watch and feel as they too make their course to the shoreline. I often wonder if the ripples will end? I know for the most part they will, but there will be lifetime ripples.
After 9 months I am starting to feel like I have the strength to start picking up the pieces to my shattered heart and world one by one, and seeking for that one piece to be cleansed in the proper way so I can once again put these pieces back together and be whole again; to be alive again. My heart is deep in sorrow for each person this decision has reached and effected, both alive and dead. I am immensely grateful for the patience, forgiveness, support, teaching and love that has been extended towards me in this time by family, friends, church leaders, strangers, and humbly even from the one I hurt the most; words can't describe my gratitude.
The ripples have yet to reach the shore and my heart has yet to become whole again. This will take time as I allow the atonement to work in my life. But I hope and pray that this time will provide healing for me, for others, and especially for the one who's life and heart I too have shattered.
No comments:
Post a Comment